Saturday, May 1, 2010

Incredible Burgers & Dogs: Incredibly Bad

For having such promise, and such potential it brings me great sadness to have to give Incredible Burger a skip it.

It all started a few weeks ago at breakfast, while reading the paper over some oatmeal. Just imagine my delight to stumble upon a story about a new burger place that is open 24 hours on weekends and serves breakfast around the clock. My dreams had come true. Filled with blissful optimism I went through the rest of the week excited to test out the treasures that Incredible Burgers & Dogs promised to hold.

That very next Friday my friend Jimmy and I made the trek over only to discover that they had LIED. They closed at midnight and it was 12:31. Strike One.

Since that incident, two weeks ago, I have been waiting and waiting for the right time to indulge my sliders fantasy. So today, a Saturday, I spent the entire day studying diligently with the promise of walking over at 10 to reward myself for my efforts. After convincing my friend Chewy to tag along, we made the journey.

I ordered a single slider and a breakfast sandwich with egg, cheese, sausage, and 'potato' on a roll. Chewy got the 3 fried oreos for a $1 deal and a chili-dog. I really need to stress the fact that I was absolutely giddy right after ordering my food. I was on cloud nine. I was blissfully ignorant to the atrocity I was about to experience. Lets begin the list of grievances shall we:

1. While watching the man at the grill make a slider (now that I think about it I'm pretty sure it was mine), I watched the cheese get stuck on the bottom of his spatula and him stick his grimy finger on it and wipe it back on the burger.
2. He then proceced to whip his phone out of his pocket and start texting with those same grimy fingers that touched my burger, on imaginably even grimier keys.
3. Although Chewy's wait was an expected and reasonable one, it took them much longer than it should have to make my food. They two guys at the grill spent a good amount of time chit chatting while my sandwich was sitting there getting pneumonia.
4. While waiting for my food I realized I could really use some orange juice to go along with my sandwich, I asked the waitress if they sell orange juice, and said they were all out, she however was drinking orange juice herself. A bit fishy huh?
Strike Two(s).

And now for the actual review:

Get Agains:
Fried Oreos: Cheap, oily, and delicious. For what they are, they are wonderful.

Sliders: Not only adorable but really quite good. They come with cheese and onions and I made the rookie mistake of not asking for pickle or ketchup. If you're going to go here (against my warnings) this is the thing to get.

The POBO Breakfast Sandwich. Egg, Potato, Meat (Sausage), Cheese, Roll. Sounds wonderful right? DEAD WRONG. This may be the single worst food item I have ever eaten. I used to think it was pretty hard to fuck up a breakfast sandwich but I was mistaken. The first bite took me to the potato portion which was simply appalling. Sheer Terror. I don't know what it quite tasted like but something like what I imagine rotten potatoes and the larvae that feasted upon them to taste like. After immeditely scraping the potato off the top I tried again. So lame it hurt. The egg was not a breakfast sandwich egg, the sausage was more like Kielbasa than it should have been and the cheese's presence was not felt. On the whole it tasted like dead dreams. Strike fucking three.

So what have we learned here today folks? Not to dream? Not to expect quality service? Or hygenic service for that matter? Not to have faith in the sanctity of the Breakfast Sandwich?
No. What we have learned here is when a place is promising something that sound too incredible to be true, it probably is.

Oh, and I wish I could take the tip that I gave them, in good faith, back.